Stephen Fry

Mycroft Holmes: "Good evening, Mrs Watson. I'm the other Holmes."
Mary Watson: "You mean there's TWO of you? How marvelous! Could this evening get any better?"

"When the day becomes the night
and the sky becomes the sea,
when the clock strikes heavy
and there's no time for tea.
And in our darkest hour,
before my final rhyme,
she will come back home to Wonderland
and turn back the hands of time."

The Book: "It is important to note that suddenly, and against all probability, a sperm whale had been called into existence, several miles above the surface of an alien planet. And since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity. This is what it thought, as it fell:
[The Whale] Ahhh! Woooh! What's happening? Who am I? Why am I here? What's my purpose in life? What do I mean by who am I? Okay okay, calm down calm down get a grip now. Ooh, this is an interesting sensation. What is it? Its a sort of tingling in my... well I suppose I better start finding names for things. Lets call it a... tail! Yeah! Tail! And hey, what's this roaring sound, whooshing past what I'm suddenly gonna call my head? Wind! Is that a good name? It'll do. Yeah, this is really exciting. I'm dizzy with anticipation! Or is it the wind? There's an awful lot of that now isn't it? And what's this thing coming toward me very fast? So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like 'Ow', 'Ownge', 'Round', 'Ground'! That's it! Ground! Ha! I wonder if it'll be friends with me? Hello, Ground!"
[Cut to a distant view as the whale hits the ground and spews up a large cloud of snow]
The Book: "Curiously, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias, as it fell, was, 'Oh no, not again!' Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly WHY the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the universe than we do now."

"The Encyclopedia Galactica, in its chapter on Love states that it is far too complicated to define. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the subject of love: Avoid, if at all possible. Unfortunately, Arthur Dent has never read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy."

"In the beginning the universe was created. This made a lot of people angry and has widely been considered as a bad move."

"The best drink in existance is the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which, is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon... wrapped around a large gold brick."

"Vogon poetry is the third worst in the Universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their poetmaster, Grunthos the Flatulent, of his poem "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning" four of his audience members died of internal hemorrhaging, and the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. The absolute worst poetry in the universe was written by Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Sussex. Thankfully it was destroyed when the earth was."

"Presidents don't have power, their purpose is to draw attention away from it."