James Franco

Laird Mayhew: "I'm so f*cking psyched that you're out here for the holidays."
Barb Fleming: "This is a fifteen year-old child."
Laird Mayhew: "Oh, shit! You don't say f*ck?"

[During family dinner]
Laird Mayhew: "Remember when we made love in the hot tub? Steph opened up like a flower, you should have seen it."
Barb Fleming: "I shouldn't have seen it but now I feel like I have."

Laird Mayhew: "I have a little surprise. Da-dah!"
[reveals a massive tattoo with the whole family on his back]
Ned Fleming: "Is that our Christmas card?"
Laird Mayhew: "It's all of you!"
Barb Fleming: "And it says 'Happy Holidays' and everything."
Laird Mayhew: "It says 'Happy Holidays'?"
Stephanie Fleming: "Yeah."
Laird Mayhew: "Woh, f*ck. I didn't know he'd put 'Happy Holidays' on there. I guess that's on me forever now."

Laird Mayhew: "Ned, on Christmas day I'm going to ask Stephie to marry me and I'd really like your blessing."
[Ned chuckles]
Laird Mayhew: "Yeah?"
Ned Fleming: "No."
Laird Mayhew: "Look, just give me a couple of days to win you over, by Christmas morning you're gonna call me son and I'm gonna call you dad."
Ned Fleming: "I don't think it's gonna happen."
Laird Mayhew: "I think it's gonna, dad."
Ned Fleming: "I know it won't."
Laird Mayhew: "Dad, it will."
Ned Fleming: "Stop that."
Laird Mayhew: "What, dad?"
Ned Fleming: "That, dad. Stop that."
Laird Mayhew: "Dad, what are you talking about?"

"My instinct is to hug you right now."

Laird Mayhew: "Motherf*cking Fleming's are in the house! Yes!"
Ned Fleming: "Oh, my God."
Laird Mayhew: "F*ck yeah!"
Barb Fleming: "Looks like he works out quite a bit."
Laird Mayhew: "Stephie, get 'em up here!"

Saul: "Let's roll, man! I'm done with the woods! Let's go! Common, man, let's get the fuck outta here!"
Dale: "Okay... Uhh let's go... No... It's not working... the battery's dead."
Saul: "Wait...! What do you mean, it's dead?"
Dale: "What do I mean? I mean the battery's dead. The battery's dead!"
Saul: "No, no! What do you mean, the battery's dead?"
Dale: "How can I explain this to you differently? The battery is dead. It ceased to live. It's deceased now. The car needs a battery to start, Saul."
Saul: "How did this happen?"
Dale:§ Well we clearly fell asleep with the battery on and-..."
Saul: "Aw, man... talk radio?"
Dale: "Yes, talk radio."
Saul: "So boring, man! The car just committed suicide."

Dave Skylark: "It's the first rule of journalism. You give the people what they want!"
Aaron Rapaport: "That's not the first rule of journalism. I think it's like the first rule of like circuses and demolition derbies."