Charlie Day

911 Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"
Andy: "There's a crazy guy at my high school and he's trying to beat me up!"
911 Operator: "If you have a problem with a bully I need you to speak to a teacher."
Andy: "I am teacher!"
[the operator and all colleagues are laughing]
911 Operator: "You're a grow man, now go and take that ass-whooping."

"What is "deliberately" undressed. You accidentally get undressed?"

"I'm done with this shit. No more Mr. Nice Guy, no more playing by the rules."

Andy Campbell: "Holly, you're guidance counselor. You're not doing meth again, right?"
Holly: "Yeah. Yeah, just a little bit."
Andy Campbell: "Don't do meth."
Holly: "Because it's the gateway."
Andy Campbell: "It's the finish line!"

"No one's going to pay you to be a husband, unless you marry Oprah."

Nick: "I'm such a sucker! Harken was never gonna promote me..."
Kurt: "That coked up prick is gonna ruin Pellit Chemicals. He's just gonna fire everybody!"
Dale: "She stood there with her breasts, right in my face!"
Kurt: "... Ye' know, yours doesn't sound that bad."

Kurt: "You don't fucking punch the driver!"
Nick: "Yeah, you don't punch the driver, man."
Dale: "I'm coked out of my fucking head, I can punch whoever I want to!"

"Just because your dad called the cops doesn't mean that he doesn't love you."