John Turturro

Jesus Quintana: "You ready to be fucked, man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up."
The Dude: "Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man."
Jesus Quintana: "Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes 'click.'"
The Dude: "Jesus."
Jesus Quintana: "You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus."
Walter Sobchak: "Eight-year-olds, Dude."

"What's this day of rest shit? What's this bullshit? I don't fuckin' care! It don't matter to Jesus. But you're not foolin' me, man. You might fool the fucks in the league office, but you don't fool Jesus. This bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man... ha ha! I would have fucked you in the ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead. Wooo! You got a date Wednesday, baby!"

Chuck: "Here's my phone number."
Dave: "'You're gonna die, bitch'...?"
Chuck: "Oh, sorry. That's a letter I'm writing to Geraldo Rivera."

Chuck: "Yeah? And I'm sure I just heard him mutter some kind of anti-Semitic remark."
Dave: "Are you Jewish?"
Chuck: "I could be, but no. Half Irish, half Italian, half Mexican."

"What? Do you think you're better than me, 'cause you got both your nuts?"

Dr. Buddy Rydell: "Dave assaulted a female flight attendant in mid-air."
Stacy: "Nice."
Gina: "I bet you beat her good."
Dave: "I didn't beat anybody. I touched a woman..."
Chuck: "Liar, bullshitter, you're a WOMAN BEATER! And you can't admit it, because you're a deluded piece of garbage!"
Dave Buznik: "I don't know about all that but... now I know why you're here."

Chuck: "After I got back, I went through a rough time. Drinkin' booze, shootin' holes in the ceilin', screamin' myself to sleep... Finally, my parents said I had to move out."
Dave: "So I'm guessing that's when you decided to shack up with your aunt."
Chuck: "Don't get cute, wise ass... But, yes."

Lou: "I have a question: Why is it that Chuck here thinks he could smoke?"
Chuck: "Cause I do whatever I want whenever I want, you little Spanish fruit topping."
Lou: "Honey, at least I didn't make my aunt pregnant."