Wanda Sykes

Charlie: "And about the holidays..."
Viola: "Are you gonna keep me away?"
Charlie: "You must be present for every Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthday, school play, clarinet recital and soccer game in our kids' lives. I want you to love them and spoil them and teach them things that Kevin and I can't, like how to throw a right hook for example. I want you there, Viola. I do, up front and center. From this point i will not negotiate."
Ruby: "Damn, that girl can give a nice little speech."

Viola: "What's wrong with you?"
Ruby: "I am sick. I am sick, sick, sick of your shit. And when I'm not sick, I'm tired. I am sick and tired!"

Dr. Karl: "Okay, remember when I said that all marriages are savable? Well, it ain't gonna happen for you guys."
Amy: "So what do you think we should do?"
Dr. Karl: "Well, as a therapist, I'm not allowed to tell you what do to. But, uhm, as a human being with two f*cking eyes in my head, yeah... I think you should get divorced as soon as possible. This is some catastrophic shit."

Manny: "I can't believe this, you slept through that storm?"
Granny: "[condescending] Aah, I slept through the comet that killed the unicorns."

Shira: "Two sloths, a mammoth and a sabertooth? You sound like the start of a bad joke."
Diego: "And we saved you, so that makes you the punchline, Kitty."
Shira: "Don't call me Kitty."
Diego: "Okay... I won't, Kitty."
Granny: "If they kiss I'm gonna puke!"

"I think you dislocated my vagina."

"Fix your hair. You look like a damn cockatoo."

Viola: "I cannot believe she compared me to Gertrude!"
Ruby: "I know. Now that's just wrong."
Viola: "Thank You."
Ruby: "You are far worse. I don't recall Gertrude ever trying to poison you. And I'm pretty sure she wore black to your wedding."
Viola: "Black. Yeah, she said she was in mourning. I just want my son to be happy."
Ruby: "Whatever made you think he wasn't?"